OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The Olympian is in my bed
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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