Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
