my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
