I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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