Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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