You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
