I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
