At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
