my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
