I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
