I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
