So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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