I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
