I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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