My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
