I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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