I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
