Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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