You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
