WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
