Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
