I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
