Apparently you make a good broom.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
