I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
