i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
