dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
it glows. i had to have it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!