Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
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Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
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Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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