I'm really into asian looking animals
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
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Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
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I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
How does it feel to date your dad?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.