Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.