I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
