totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
