im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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