A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
