As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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