Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I think my nap took me to another dimension
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
