Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
