rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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