Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
