Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
