I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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