Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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