Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
not ubering you a puppy
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
