I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
