By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
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Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
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We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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