I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
