Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
