in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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