Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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