I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
