my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I am midnight drunk by noon
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
