I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
