your thong is hanging out like whoa
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
