Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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