I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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