see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
