He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize