checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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