I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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