So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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