He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
