Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
