I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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