Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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